I think most of you can figure out the logistics but for me there was much more to the story.
Becoming a mamma was always something I’ve planned on doing but truthfully, not a life-stage I gave a whole lot of thought to. Since college, I have watched nearly all of my friends enter into motherhood while I worked and focused my energy on growing and maintaining my photography business. Through my business I’ve met some of my dearest friends, traveled to places I never would’ve imagined and overcome challenges that have shaped me into who I am today. I felt tremendously blessed and fulfilled to have the opportunity to do something I loved. As a result, (selfish as it may seem) the concept of motherhood was not one I could reconcile with the passion I had for my career. How would I maintain my workload, travel, invest into my client relationships and be a good mom? The answer never came. So I waited.
Life was good. The business was steady, things were great in my marriage but I still did not have an answer to the FAQ of when Dave and I were going to have kids. Knowing that time was marching on, and learning that getting pregnant may not be as easy as they told us in high school, I began to give it more thought. I dug deeper into my hesitations and found something I was not expecting: fear, and a lot of it. Turns out I was afraid of pretty much everything that involved losing control. Financially, physically, mentally; if it meant letting someone else take the reigns, I was terrified. I believed everything was going great because I was working so hard to keep it that way. In other words, my trust was in myself alone.
This is why I could not answer the question of how to do it all. Now I know the answer: I can’t.
But here’s the amazing part: I am not supposed to. No one is.
We were each created by a perfectly loving Father in Heaven. He intricately made us to rely on Him. Sure, he gave us free will and a sound mind to go about our days here on Earth, but He also wired us to function most effectively when we let Him steer.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” -1 Peter 5:6-7
This was not an easy lesson for me to learn. Like I said, I’m most comfortable when I am in control and the thought of relinquishing that generated even more fears. What if God’s plan doesn’t follow my plan? What if He took away everything I have worked so hard for? What if He wants me to face difficulties? I really was not excited about any of those possibilities.
Then I remembered who God is: perfect, loving, full of all knowledge, gracious and merciful.
“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6-7
I came to realize, and truly believe in my heart, that whatever God had in store for me was good. Maybe not the kind of “good” I would hope for but definitely the kind I’d need. I know this because only He can see what my future holds, here on Earth and eternally. Since my view is limited to the past and present, I have to let go and trust that His choices for my future are exactly what I would chose if I could view my life from the same perspective He does.
“Perfect love casts out fear” -1 John 4:18
I had no more need to fear. I was finally able to let go.
I stopped running from that which I was unsure of and on May 14th 2013, found out I was pregnant.
Today marks week 31 of my pregnancy and as I sit here feeling my precious daughter wiggling around inside of me I can truly say that I am not afraid. I know that God’s timing, provision and plan are perfect and that He loves me. I am so excited to see what He has in store for me and my family in the adventure ahead.